“We are products of our past. We don’t have to be prisoners of it.”

One year ago, at 3:30pm (gosh, feels like i’m about to give birth)  I was sitting in UW Hospital, after having 4 needles stuck in my neck. Keegan wasn’t yet talking, or really moving much for that matter. 3 months old – wow, what a difference a year makes!!

I still remember Dr.Jaume coming in that room with the fellow. He was so quiet when he told me the diagnosis. He spoke quietly, and pretty quickly. It’s funny how I can remember that like it was yesterday. To this day, I STILL shake my head at the fact I texted my family to tell them I had cancer – ha – who does that?! I have to laugh though, to honestly see it as that small of an issue that I could just text the information out is crazy to me.

It hasn’t been all fun and games, and it hasn’t been all lighthearted. When Dr.Jaume started telling me about the support groups at the hospital, and how papillary thyroid cancer has great results – I lost it. To be honest, I wasn’t scared at all, I was pissed off. The days and nights I had spent with Keegan, both of us learning to breastfeed. Going through everything to make it comfortable for both of us, it had JUST gotten to the point of being ok, I didn’t cringe every time I fed him, and now I was supposed to give it up. Not a chance! We are so ingrained with what we learn, and what we want that is best, sometimes we don’t see the immediate situation. When the nurse said “it’s your choice – get your baby a good first year of breastfeeding, or don’t watch him graduate high school”  I knew the point she was making.  I still didn’t stop breastfeeding.

Surgery would happen on January 3rd – total thyroidectomy and 30 lymph nodes removed. Later we would find out 26 were positive for cancer. My world would once again be rocked in February. Once again, I remember that morning I was half awake in bed, and my phone started vibrating. My eyes flew open, and my gut churned – I had this sinking feeling it was UW Hospital, once again. Sure enough. I answered the phone and it was the dermatologist, and she said “You don’t even know how hard it is for me to say this to you..” Malignant Melanoma.

My strength at that point was gone. No more happy, go lucky Marcia. That was the first time I actually got scared. I remember laying in bed, crying. I was SO frustrated!  What was going on in my body that made it so toxic? What was happening to me? Was I bound to have to do the chemo and radiation route? That thought didn’t stay long, but it did cross my mind once or twice. Unfortunately, it only crossed my mind when well meaning people that I love very much were scared for me, and only wanted what they thought was best.

Poor Shawn – who signs up for this?! In one year – a marriage, a baby and cancer. He never showed me his fear. We talked a lot about it, and he knew very well my desires – mainly that I was put on this earth, and I have no idea when my time to go is, so I’ll do what I can, and if it is meant to be, it is up to me! He has been such a rock through all of this, I can’t imagine my life without him – I know I never would have gotten through all of this without his help, and let me tell you – we have been through more in 2 years of marriage than I would wish on anyone!!

In March, when the CT came back positive for cancer, I was just irritated all over again. I had done zeolite, cesium protocol, and jucing had started. I knew Gerson Therapy was my choice, but we were getting rid of as much cancer as we could.  Victim mentality had left my persona, and I was ready to face whatever I had to in order to live my life to the fullest.  I made a deal with God. Let me live, let me serve – and I will do so abundantly. The new favorite phrase came to mind “if it is to be, it is up to me”

An almost overwhelming sense of peace took over after that last CT scan. I knew I was going to Mexico. We didn’t have the funds, and started looking into bank loans. We got accepted for the bank loan. The stress of how we would pay it back got pretty intense, but unknowingly to us, angels are here on earth. We got an interest free loan and we were on our way to start healing! I knew then there wasn’t a doubt I would kick this thing out of next year. Not a chance it would stick. Was my sense of peace because I learned a lesson I needed to learn? Was I really THAT hard headed I needed cancer to make me change my ways? If so, ok, I mean, I would have appreciated it  bit later, but hey, at least it’s over, and I can get on to enjoying the rest of my life with a renewed sense of self and honor.

People think I have lived this last year in a bubble. Maybe I have. I have been told I am “too happy to have cancer” NEWS FLASH – it ISN’T about what happens to you, it is COMPLETELY about how you respond to what happens to you!! You can choose to live life in a bubble, and constantly think the world will cave in on you, or you can put yourself out there and make a difference. I chose to write this blog for many reasons, one being to keep family and friends updated, but after this year, I also think it was a part of my therapy. For me. I probably am too personal with a lot of the things I write, and I know Shawn has made some executive decisions and some things haven’t made the cut. I truly believe one of the reasons this cancer graced my life was because I wasn’t honest and open when I was younger. I just wanted approval. Quite obviously, that has changed!!

Cliches are so…chiche. But wow, there is no wonder as to why they were said, and why they stick! I am SO honored I was chosen for this cancer, to learn this way, and to take charge of my health and life, physically, mentally, emotionally. I never would have met the people I have met, I wouldn’t have the friendships I have, and I wouldn’t have the PROFOUND difference in life experiences that I now have.

You don’t start living until you find your purpose. Some people live their whole lives searching for purpose. Everything DOES happen for a reason, and I am humbled and honored to learn the true strength and power the human mind and body can comprehend.

 

 

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